Los Dichos del Mentiroso (@ section of the MalDichos and other MadDixos for a Troubled world)

been editing, re arranging, adding phrases that change character of some of these old dixos.  think…not 100% sure that these came from 2001 version  of the Maldichos and other Mad-Dixos for a Troubled World.   few prurient or sexploitative dixos are in this section though there are more than a handful that can be regarded as “politically incorrect” or culturally, gender insensitive  there is some overlap with other sections.  some favoritos i repeat.  i’m a bit tired of my admonition to NOT READ ON if you retain the capacity to be offended by verbal twists & turns.  these are “fiction”, perhaps nostalgia not biography…though if the shoe fits?  …i wear it.  what do you do, sir? or madam?

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here’s one of the only two jokes i know…

heard Gilbert Gottfried tell this joke but now can’t find the ytube video.  if i do, i’ll insert a link.  here’s my version:

Mr. M***  is in a rush to get home to his plush outskirts of NYC home.  there’s tons of traffic on the turnpike but he’s in a hurry, so he rushes off at an exit he thinks will get him to a shortcut he’s used before.

it turns out to be a two way frontage road.  there’s some cars goin’ too slow for him in front of him & he decides to pass them on the left.

crossing over just before a bend in the road…on the other side there’s an 18 wheel truck hauling timber barreling down the frontage road.  our man, Mr. M**** meets him head on going 50-60 miles.  his car is crushed like a tin can & knocked into a deep ravine.

15, 20 minutes later the fire department & ambulances arrive.  takes another 20 minutes to extricate him from the near unrecognizable car.  he’s rushed to a hospital.  another 20-30 minutes.  on the way, the crew is able to identify Mr. M**** and the hospital calls his wife.

she’s at home with her daughter.  the two of them rush to the hospital.  they arrive 90 minutes later.  they provide details on the husband.  insurance information.  they’re told to wait.  the husband is being treated in a high tech emergency care unit & the doctor will be out to see them as soon as he’s treated the husband.  they wait.

30 minutes.  they ask again.  are told to wait.

30 minutes later, a doctor in bloodied smock shambles down the hall.  smoking a cigarette.  they’re shocked…it’s a non smoking area.  he comes over to them with a smile on his face…they’re hopeful, relieved, not sure.

the doctors sees they’re the only ones in the hospital’s emergency care waiting room and goes directly to them while lighting another ciggie.  they hold their breath.  he asks if they’re related to Mr. M****.  they respond yes.  wife & daughter.

he breathes outs slowly.  cigarette smoke fills the waiting room corner they’re in.

I’m sorry.  Mr. M**** was in a real serious auto accident.  he’s suffered all kinds of trauma & injuries.  we can’t even begin to repair him.  the truck rolled him up like a human enchilada and shoved what was left of his car into 100 foot ravine.  his car careened down taking out trees & shrubs, smashing boulders…well… not a good thing.  i would like to spare you seein’ what was left of him…

in any case, the doctor continued, that’s not the most serious thing i have to tell you.  the cost of treatment, trauma care nowadays is huuuuuge.  it will ravage your savings and then come for whatever you own, home, cars, furnishings.  whatever equity you have in your home will go for multiple hospital surgeries, very expensive medications…pain killers, steroids, ant-biotics…shit, the list goes on for pages… physical therapy which is mainly goin’ through the motions.  he’ll never return to work.  may never recognize you or speak again.

forget about the relationship you’ve built up over the years.  and yet, your financial obligations will never end…they have a name for it.  medical bankruptcy.  if your daughter is in college…she can quit now.  daddy won’t be making next year’s tuition.  she’ll have to get a mediocre job in a government or some other dead end office to help pay daddy’s hospitalization bill.

oh, i know…you’re thinking but we have good health insurance….the doctor snorted and laughed… the 20% deductible will still eat up your savings & home.

you…nodding towards the wife…will have to quit your job…career? to take care of him at home.  a thankless, never ending & unpaid job.  that’s in addition to hiring caretakers to assist you…for the most part not paid by insurance.  and you won’t be eligible for assistance until you relinquish your assets.

you and your daughter …pausing as he looked them over with a studied glance… may even have to pimp yourselves out to make ends meet.   no telling what kind of nightmares you’ll encounter there.

your own health will suffer and by then your own health insurance will be a thing of the distant past.  no insurance company would give you a policy that w’d cover the costs of this and your own illnesses.  he might survive for a while …long enough to drag both of you down into a living hell.  the standard of living you’ve enjoyed up until now will be a bitter memory.

forget about your pets…you’ll hardly have enough to buy  meals for yourself or keep your single room apartment heated.  a short, bitter, withered life.

he lit another cigarette.  blew out smoke very slowly and watched their reaction.

by this time, the wife and daughter’s anguish has turned into loud sobbing & tears. oh, god they’re screaming.  but no one pays attention.

then smiling through the clenched cigarette…the bloody smocked doctor claps his hands…they’re startled by this.  he’s shaking his head left & right as if saying no, no, no.

then reaching out, he takes their hands in his and says I was only fucking with you…He’s dead.

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cada cabeza es un mundo                         — thanks to A & M

might be?  could be???  it’s all in your head.  where else could it possibly be?

Guess what?  The people that didn’t like me yesterday, like me less today.                                             -Progress or No?

could be a perception problem?  Whose?  Yours or mine?might be a gender problem…whose?  yours or mine?

is it a cultural problem?   an ethnico-cultural problem?

perhaps it’s a vaca-pata thing?

It could be a social disease … everything is… without a doubt.

I don’t think it’s physico-biological…so it must a be mental.

Why would I be a Boston (Red Sox) fan?                                                                                      What am I?   insane? crazeeeee?  What am I?  an idiot?  What am I?  stupid?  am i a sicko?  a drunkard?  a psychopath?  a lazeeeeee ass FBI agent?  (reference to Boston Marathon backpack of nails.  The FBI had interviewed the dead terrorist 20 times, then forgot the spelling of his name?  sure.  yeah.  i believe ’em.  way to go.)   –  not a BRSox fan dixo

Will all the members of the I wasn’t there club please rise.   -Talking ’bout the September 11 mental paraplegics club.

I’m being a bum…it’s what I do best.    -And you’re very good at it. (dj to gdl 10.14.2001)

you don’t listen well.  do ya?  Look at the shit that’s happening to you now.  the shit you did before follows you ’round.  Blowing up the Buddha statues didn’t hurt or even bother the Buddhists…but you’re catching hell.                                                                                                    Gdl: Talkin’ Taliban or are you happy now?

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Are you the kind of guy…that even when you’re with a B, they feel neglected?

Is this the middle of nowhere?  / Or / Do you prefer to call it the middle of everything.                  -GdL:  whew?  where am i?  and how did i get here?  who’s askin’?

Ain’t nothin’ you can do in a riot…except join in.

My needs are now so un-natural…no woman would put up with me.

It is better to keep quiet and have folks think you’re ignorant…Than to open your mouth and have folks know you’re ignorant.

Deja Vu…….all over again.   -Yogi Berra commenting on something eerily similar:

Everybody’s having them dreams
Everybody sees themselves walkin’ around with no one else
Half of the people can be part right all of the time
Some of the people can be all right part of the time
But all of the people can’t be all right all of the time
I think Abraham Lincoln said that
I’ll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours
I said that.      – Bob Dylan Talking WW3 Blues

We are limited in what we can do…but imagination is unlimited.  -Albert Einstein

Better to be lucky than good.  true in most games.

If you were on fire, I wouldn’t let my dog piss on you.

He’s his own worst enemy.   GdL:  Not while I’m around.

Be nice to them…don’t repeat anything I said.

You can never under/over estimate the rudeness of others.

The last Christian died on the cross.   -F Nietzsche

Rosie O’Donell sez OJ cut off the vaca pata’s teats.                                                                           GdL:  He was only taking back the parts he paid for.

I find places and things easier to manipulate than persons.  – talking mental magic

Unhappiness is the way of the world.                                                                                                        GdL:  recently corrected to “unsatisfactoriness” (Robert Wright:  Why Buddhism is                       true)  the world is never quite what you (we) hoped it would be.

If god lived on earth, people would break his windows.  -Yiddish dicho

Intelligent discontent is the mainspring of civilization.   -Eugene V. Debs

on the other hand, it’s impossible to have a “conversation” if you persist in interrupting me.

Civilization is a race between education and catastrophe.   -H.G. Wells

That woman/ she just gets uglier /and/ she gets meaner / but I got her, and  I guess that makes me the winner.  -Bobby Bare sings Shel Silverstein’s The Winner

Shakespeare can be understood on many different levels.  The dramatic level.  The philosophical level.  Shakespeare is one our great political writers and it is wonderful.  though he’s english, i think the world of him.

Ignorance has its value…it frees you from the anxiety of knowledge.  But usually you don’t get rewarded.

Is it too late to change my mind?  Is it too late to start the day over?  can we go back to yesteryear?  can i climb back in mama’s womb?

Callate o te mato.    GdL:  my mother’s most compelling admonition to an unruly child

Demons are men without souls.                                                                                                          GdL:  Does this make me a monster?  Guess, so.  Since my soul is not for sale…that must mean I have no soul. … If everything (?) is for sale at the right price.

Dime con quien andas y te digo quien eres.

I need some happy pills…do you know what I mean?

I’m learning to hide in plain sight.    -GdL: Good skill.

Isagi-Yoku.   Translation: To die leaving no regrets.  -Suzuki on Zen Buddhism

She said:  It’s so cold, I could see my breath.                                                                            GdL:  Isn’t that normal with you?

I didn’t know Vaca-Sow-Patas smelled like dead fish- that Gender Femme Gar-baaagh smell.             -Under the heading of Disingenuous

Most thinking humans are disappointed with humans…does that make them cynics? misanthropes?  simply bad men?

There’s a pattern here…at the very least an unhealthy inability to avoid problems.

Who called rock ‘n roll Niggerbilly?                                                                                                         GdL:  we needn’t wonder why?

Hail, hail rock and roll
Deliver me from the days of old
Long live rock and roll
The beat of the drums, loud and bold
Rock, rock, rock and roll
The feeling is there, body and soul…                                                                                                Rock ’n Roll is here to stay.             – Chuck Berry School Days

If the Boston Red Sox don’t make it…It’s been a good year in baseball.                                                     -the anti-Red Sox fan’s slogan

Who won the 2000-2004-08-12-16 presidential election? Gog, Magog or Ms Magog?  your favorite or theirs…and did it make a dime’s worth of difference?

Those who cast the votes decide nothing.  Those who count the votes decide everything.              -Joseph Djugashvili (Stalin)

All our good instincts/parts/feelings are reptilian.  -too much Carl Sagan and the triune brain

nice to know that cheap shots can last forever.

Vaca-sow clowns???  please don’t get me started.  I could talk about your herd forever.                    –thanks to D.

I’m one of those (?) people..almost impossible to fool.                                                            GdL:  Why?  I don’t even manage to fool myself most of the time.

Anger implies unreal hope.

Anger is inverted hope that others will change.  -Arthur Janov Primal Scream                                GdL:  Pues, lo imposible!

Talking them vaca-pata sow-clown blues.  Stop it.  You’re making me cry.

Convenient self interest…that’s what the world  is about.   The personal connects me to that world of desire for comfort.

Happiness???  Tell me again, what exactly is that about?  And why would you think existence was about your personal “happiness”.

A little off the shelf  voodoo doesn’t/can’t hurt.  then again…look what happened to those zombies over there.

A good excuse in life is worth a thousand reasons.

The hardest thing in life is probably not our job.  There are things a lot tougher, meaner, uglier, more degrading though some jobs are all of these.

Many things may be positive but you may simply not want to do them.

Scale every thought /action to what is doable.  Is that even a word?

I’ve been rich.  I’ve been poor.  Rich is better.    -Ivana Trump

I’m a super educated fool.  I got training and I know I can play the fool.  -fooled me.

Don’t go to war if all you really want is peace talks!!!!      -who knew?

There were four of us at the table…me, you and your two friends:  Nal and Gona.                          -thanks to Fats Waller Your feets too big                                                                                       GdL:  Sure, just when I thought all that footsie-stuff was a good thing.

I got nothing…and nothing’s good enough for me.                                                                          You got nothing…Is nothing good enough for you?

el Diablo making terrible sucking sounds.                                                                        Innocence:  What’s that sound?                                                                                                        El Diablo:  Since you really want to know…that’s the sound of your soul being sucked out of your breadbasket, brains, organs & limbs.

What have I told you about them?  Haven’t you learned by now?

How the fem-nazi’s hate those grand old concepts “mankind” and “human”.   They would substitute or raise to equal stature the terms “womankind” or “woman”.                                         GdL:  Might as well call ourselves vaca pata clowns.

If you let them, they will.

Items in the category of things you kind of thought you might not want to know and now you know why.   GdL:  Huh??

I’m one of those great socio-religious success stories you’ve heard so much about:  I use to be gay but now that I’ve been converted, no woman will have sex with me.                        GdL:  is that fair?

I’m like a light wave…I bend.

No glove, No love.  GdL:  why w’d a woman trust a man?  a smart woman will wear her own “glove”.

Sewer rat may taste like effen pumpkin pie/chicken but I’ll never effen know ‘cause I’ll never eat the filthy creature.   –Samuel Jackson character in Pulp Fiction

Just because I want to go to heaven doesn’t mean I want to go today.

Rules?!  Rules??  What the….?  Who the eff said anything about effen rules?  We don’t need no stinkin’ rules!!  Here!!!  Take this fucken 38 in the head…I don’t think it’s in the rules.  you’re right…I don’t know the effen rules, I guess…                                                                             -an “ignorant of the rules” rant

Finders keepers, Losers weepers.

Bobby D. had poor Pete Seeger cringing, crying in his car “Make’em stop…Make ‘em stop…”  -Dylan at Newport 1965  GdL:  In fact, the definition of “goin’ electric on their asses”.

Why bowling is so much fun?  It’s in the very old tradition dating back to prehistoric times:  throwing things at objects.  This goes back to the Paleolithic.  Think.  All the games we play involve throwing things with as much accuracy as possible:  baseball, football. basketball, archery…

Pointing to talcum powder on my black jeans:  I killed a white man and he leaked.

You can’t make $ from an ex customer.   -business dicho.                                                               GdL:  But does big Mac care?

Civil Disobedience???  Not anymore, those are now considered felonies.

Walden as modern dystopia.

Is there a difference between honesty and misogyny?   GdL:  No!  I don’t think so.

Is misogyny the same thing as honesty?   GdL:  Yes…only better.

Children are terrorist… their victims are parents.

Parenthood is volunteer slavery and the slave masters are these infant terrorists

Parenthood is volunteer slavery and you people  are always trying convince the rest of us what a wonderful experience your slavery is.                                                                                              GdL:  pointing fingers at you know who?

Retro Active Abortion………..hmmmmm…why didn’t i think of that?

What’re you doing, my man?  Gdl:  Just watching the fat vaca-pata parade.

Come vaca-pata with me…we’ll trip the fat fantastic.

What were once vices are now deeply ingrained habits.                                                                 GdL:  only way to learn:  try, try again…

Is a god a three letter word for love?  Is love a four letter word for god?                                          -Duke Ellington

Easter’s on me…I got hammer and nails.

The human capacity to slaughter each other/ one another seems undiminished by the labels crime, atrocity, genocide, sin.

I’m no longer surprised (?) that men slaughter their spousal vaca-patas.  Gender-wise that’s evening up the odds / making fatburgers, / leveling the playing field so to speak.          GdL:  As Soupy Sales used to say on TV “Is anybody hongree?

On the Iranian mullahs making Bah’ai martyrs:  You and I are still down here, scuffling and suffering…and they’re in heaven.  Seated right next to God.                                                       GdL:   Sure.  9.11.2001  Visiting the Bah’ai Temple in Chicago with Mr. K.

It’s a private belief I don’t share.

If there were an Anti-christ I would be very disappointed if it wasn’t me.                                           -thanks to Nietzsche

Henry Miller in an interview on Pacifica says:  The secret of long life, longevity is to smoke a bowl of opium every morning.                                                                                       GdL:  Henry, Henry?  where the eff are we going to get a steady supply of opium?

Maybe to do dirty things you have to get down with the dirty people.

Maybe the equation has changed:  If you are dirty, you do dirty things.

The sanctuary becomes/ is (also) a trap.   -talking Palestinian Bantustan?  DACA                                 – thanx to the ZOG

I’m having a bin laden kind of day.  GdL:  Is there any other kind.  GdL #2:   Where’s that other bin.

I don’t want to start lying to myself…that would be bad.  I can lie to most other people but mustn’t lie to myself…I wouldn’t be able to believe anything I said.

I’m the anti-cow tow.            -Another anti-mad vaca-cow-clown dicho.

I’m being used as a cultural-patriot-aural pin cushion by every amateur cheerleader vaca-cow clown who knows the words to various patriotico-chaunivisto slave anthems… and they all wanna be Mariah Carey /Britney Spears or some other pre to post pubescent mid riff showing vaca/sow/pata clown loud mouth.

In the Kingdom of the blind, the one eyed man is king.

In the Kingdom of the B’s, the blind one eyed little he man is king…sort of.                                  GdL:  Where does divine right enter the equation?

Why do they call it a “godhead”?   GdL:  to mock us.

You know me?…I hate to give credit where credit is due.

What’s happenin’?                                                                                                                                  GdL:  The only really correct answer is “everything at once and all over the place.  What else could possibly be happenin?”

They say that smoking kills…I say not fast enough.   -DJ not for attribution.  So she sez.

I hope you know that this is a work of fiction???  Not the biography of a gender, baby.

If you catch up, you ain’t got a job.  No work?  Go home!                                                                     GdL:  my suggestion?  slow walk the pooch.  copulate the canine.  (railroad                                     terminology for working overtime)

Now that I know what kind of people you are…I don’t think I can leave these in your hands.              GdL:  What kind of awful responsibility are we talking about?

The Anarchist Theatre of the Blind is presenting de La Barca’s Life’s a Dream.                             Just try not to wake up.

Sharpen up your knives and forks so we can eat them alive.  Don’t even ask what’s for dinner?

I worked real hard to make it look like it wasn’t me.       GdL:  Yo no fui.

How was your weekend?   Nice and quiet…very unusual.

Life is always good when you’re in the right circles.   -Talking silver spoons

How can you be two places at once when you’re No one?  No where at all?   -thanks to the Firesign Theatre

Art is a lie that tells the truth.          -Picasso

War is good for business…invest your son.         -Anti Vietnam War dicho

All you gotta do…        -bad Advice often starts this way.

A friend will help you move.  A really good friend will help you move a body.

The fake terrorist weapon of choice?  Corn starch.        -Talking faux Anthrax

Lazy people have more time to do less.      GdL:  That’s nice.

All genders and incline-nations welcome.

Whiskey’s for drinkin’.  Water’s for fightin’ over.    -dicho of the West

The only rule ( I recognize) is there ain’t no rules.    -Boxing with Mona Rules  (Mona was DJ’s dog…smartest dog i’ve ever known)

Unless you’re an aficionado of stupidity, save your $.                                                                          GdL:  Mass “culture” wouldn’t exist without them aficionados.

Fantasy is much better than reality.                                                                                                            GdL:  we talking choking the puppy? or cinema?

You’re a lucky man…the B. only hurt you a little bit and then went on…only took a couple of body parts from ya.  Thank your lucky stars.

Lo bueno no existe.            GdL:  trying to correct a bad misconception

When in Spain do as the Arabs do.

But…he’s a hero… a legend…a myth…    GdL:  Yes…and what’s your point?  my man.

Trust God?  We are gods or haven’t you seen us lately?   -The Buffalo Gods speak

?of course?  I’m sure that’s how the Nazi’s all got started:  They all had mothers.

No self doubt here.  GdL:  Buddhist wisdom:  no self, no doubt.

Stealing enough pennies can make you a multi-millionaire penny pincher.  pinche da-vinci.

It doesn’t matter how low the bar gets set…some folks just can’t make it.                                   GdL:  is my tone compassionate enough for you?

I’m a zen-anarquista.

If you don’t know where I might be…tell them I’m dead.                                                                     GdL:  Scatter my ashes so I can cover lots of ground.

Todas las viejitas quieren ser jovencitas.

I’m having Vaca-Cow-Clown problems…call McDonald’s?                                                                      GdL:  nothing like the smell of burning vaca-pata with papas fritas & a coke.

That’s why God invented heart attacks.     GdL:  why i’d rather give ’em than have ’em.

B will run for miles to avoid two licks of work./ B will waste hours to avoid a moment of work. / That’s just the ways the B be & then talk shit about my poor hard pressed gender…what’s with that?

Excuses when they walk in on you and say:  We got photos of you and this B doing the pata Vaca-Loca.   No, no, no.   Must be some other long lost child.                                        GdL:  Tell them it must be some guy who kinda looks like you with his schlong hangin’                 out…besides in flagrante delito, we all look alike…give or take an inch or two.

Here I am trying to rehabilitate my image and you insist on bringing up my past misdeeds and crimes.                                                                                                                            GdL:  Is there’s no statute of limitations on savagery, blow-torching, torture?  On B-headings and cannibalism?  Besides I had an excuse:  I was hungry and hearts were on the menu.  btw?  are you hungry?  wanna taco de sesos?

I may not be too old physically but mentally I’m ancient.

If you were in a real rush, you would have left at lunch.

Com’on…let’s take a run at these armies of girl scouts and their effen cookies.

I’m goin’ to sell candy to raise $ for the perverse and vicious.                                                              – a bad man’s reaction to girl scouts cookies.

Only rest cures everything.   Gdl’s medico dicho.  For flu symptoms, benadryl’s okay…and then straight to bed.

Even heart aches?                                                                                                                              GdL:  No, No, No! the only way to cure a heartache is to cut some heart out and I know you people carry some sharp ass knives and know how to cut.

a truly eeeeevil person tells the truth as though it were a lie.                                                                     GdL:  one my favoritos and i will keep repeating it.

 

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