Sick Puppy Love Talk, the Bad, Bad, Really Bad B section of the Maldichos & 50 or 60 things you should never ever call the Vaca-Cow Clowns


i must admit some of the stuff in these next sections make me cringe.  much of it is sexist, misogynistic, some perverse, not of great interest to me nowadays…i’m near 70 years old… but i don’t want to censor my  younger self or pretend that i am always politically advanced and high minded.  NO…humor is not meant to be edifying or constructive.  the Maldichos are meant to raise a smile though not many are real jokes nor do they have to be pleasant and light.  i don’t mind dark, sarcastic, offensive humor…if this will offend you, PLEASE STOP READING.

The TROUBLE with LUST is that it quickly degenerates into relationships.

If you are single (separated, divorced, widowed, celibate, dead) right now, consider the thought that 100% of your significant relationships have failed. What are the odds on the next one succeeding???

Ni los pedos les dan.    -just trying to catch a whiff of love is difficult.

Mas bonita que mandada hacer.     -Try never to say this to a woman.  It would only go to her head.

The world’s a mess, it’s in my hiss.   -thank to Exene and John Doe (X)

Homicidal maniacs make strange bedfellows.   -Hannibal in love

Are are you kidding?  Anything that may happen outside his erogenous zones…he don’t know about it.      -speaking of a single minded friend (Steve K)

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,never make a pretty woman your wife.         -early 1960’s R& B song

What will people do for fun if they can’t hurt each other???

Don’t bother about the screams…..It just my way of having fun.

Is that a yelp of pain? or Are you just happy to see me?  –the sadist’s greeting

Is that a gun in your pocket  or Are you just happy to see me?    –Mae West

A good man is hard to find.  A hard man is good to find.   –Mae West

When women go wrong, men go right after them.   -Mae West

I used to be snow white but I drifted.    -Mae West                                                                                      GdL:   one of the best of her gender…actually, any gender.

My goodness, where did you get those diamonds?   Mae West: Goodness had nothing to do with it.

High heels were invented by a woman who’d been kissed on the forehead.                                        -Christopher Morley

The rule is there ain’t no rules.   GdL:  is this about love or sex?

He was fine, fine, fine…even dead he was fine

Even dirty old men need LOOOOOOOVE.

Ugleeeeeeeeeee love is better than nooooooo love.

Love is the drug.         -thanks to Bryan Ferry

Love is just a four letter word.         –Bob Dylan song title

It’s ominous when your friend ask you to meet her on the Jerry Springer show.

If  love is a crime…Let’s be the outlaws of love.    -thanks to 1950’s Rhythm and Blues song

Women—I love them all.   I’m just glad I don’t have to touch them all.

What does it mean when a woman says the only way she’d get pregnant is if her husband peed in the bath water?

Sometimes a woman means no when she says yes.  Hard to tell.  Sometimes a woman doesn’t have to say no to mean no.

Don’t trust b’s who say yes when they mean no.

Satisfaction of any kind is mostly self induced.

There is no company with a fool.  — Buddhist dicho

Mejor solo, que mal acompanada.   -Mexican dicho cited often by my mother

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.   -Alexander Pope & Elvis Presley song

Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you.    -Joey Adams

If you followed my advice, you would never ever score.    -Lenny Bruce’s Never no score Guide

You can’t be first …. but you can be next.   –one non-virgin to another

It is illegal in England to state in print that a wife can and should derive sexual pleasure from intercourse.    -Bertrand Russell

It really hurts when the only dates you ever get are with the women of the Never No Nookie Club.   thanks to Stephen K

We can still be friends, just don’t repeat anything I say.

Don’t be nice to them…so they won’t be disappointed when they meet me.

Honest, it crawled into my hand.   -Frank Zappa on chokin the chicken

What does it mean to “get shot down”?    -GdL:  Psychic bullets slam into your brain, my man.

B: but we had such a good time???  Male: but that was yesterday.                                                GdL:  The true answer to why haven’t you called me ?

If you wanna live a long happy life….stay out of  women’s fights.                                                  GdL:  Especially true if she’s a loud mouth peleonera

Different strokes for different folks.

It is easier and more fun to give pain than to receive.

I want you to think about your future….forget about your old time used to be.                                    -Ernie Andrews, R&B singer

When that bad, bad b left, I said: Thank you, Jesus…I’ll be good next time.  Yeah, next time.

Can I be temporarily  in love????     GdL:  Yes, my man, that’s called  lust.

My tongue hangs out…is that the same thing as love?                                                                        GdL:  Close enough for sick puppy love.

You sick, lying muthafucka…    Gdl:  when nothing else comes to mind

If god had wanted men to find their one true love,he would not have made our genitalia one size fits all.   –version #3

Have you ever wondered why god made male and female genitalia so that one size pretty much fits all.    -version #2

If god really wanted us to find our one true love, wouldn=t he have made genitalia like a jigsaw puzzle.    –version #1

If I go, there will be trouble.  /  If I stay, it will be double.   –The Clash

 Gonna market an X-Y-No-Mas Ornament:                                                                                                1st X-mas without you…and I’ve never been happier.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.    -Voltaire

The most popular labor saving device today is still a husband with money.    -Joey Adams

A husband is what is left of a man after the nerve is extracted.    -Helen Rowland

All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.                                    -Helen Rowlands (50’s humor)

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.   -Agatha Christie

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.    -Robert Frost

If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.    -Anton Chekhov

 So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three.                          -Alexander Dumas

Informing someone about the clap is not instruction to get it.   -Lenny Bruce

I conceived at least one great love in my life, of which I was always the object.                                   -Albert Camus

It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.    -Oscar Wilde                                     GdL:  Other than perception, what else is there?

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.    -Oscar Wilde

Faults are thick where love is thin.    -James Howell                                                                             Gdl:  Are faults thin where love is thick?

Be to her virtues very kind/  be to her faults a little blind.   -Mathew Price

Q:  Don’t you like “love”?    A:  Of course, I do…but I also like donuts, pan dulce, chocolate ice cream,  fats, alcoholic liquors, marijuana, hashish, darvon, morphine, heroin, uppers, downers, amphetamine, valium and/ with mayonnaise, movies, television movies…that doesn’t mean they’re good for me…do it?

You know the rule:  Good on paper, bad in bed.    -tv show Sex and the City

 He’s bi sexual…he likes men and boys.    -thanks to Saturday Night Fever

This isn’t what you think it is.   Gdl:  man caught en flagrante delito or a philosopher?

One problem/difficulty (among many, I admit) with marriage (that can be avoided only by not marrying) is that sure as shit, one morning you wake up to find you’ve been sleeping next to some old, old woman.                                                                                              GdL:  Yes, my man…that withered teat creature is your wife.  then again…by that time in life you have history & companionship…i hopes.

Two little Hitlers will fight it out/ till one little Hitler does the other one’s will.                                    -Elvis Costello

TLC….what’s that?  Taste like chicken.   -speaking of iguana or was that a Chihuahua?

 Pound for pound, a bargain.   GdL:  Is that good?  When speaking of what?

 The oldest pick up line in the world :  Pssst…little girl …want an apple?

 The B has a thousand eyes…some hairier than others.                                                                             GdL:  Be careful where you let them touch you.


Warning:  crude, vulgar dichos ahead.  Vulgar entreaties?  Gdl:  oh, i don’t know.  Vulgar is kind of harsh…nevertheless Don’t read if you retain the capacity to be offended…if you’ve read this far, what are the odds of that?  


Ooooo…. mamacita sit on my caracita.

Wanna share a bottle of wine?  Wanna sit on a bottle of wine?

She has more boyfriends than you can shake a dick at.

Women—if you want p…, you got to go to one of them.  By definition, no man has p….  -Gdl:  banned at La Ciudad & dated…nowadays sex-change surgery can work wonders.

Why go out for milk when you have a vaca-cow clown at home?    -thanks to Al / Married with Children tv show

A woman with no teats might as well kill herself.

More than mouthful’s just a waste.   GdL:  Speaking of shapely globs of fatty tissue and nipples

A big ass on a woman may not be enough for love…but by definition it’s usually enough for two handfuls.

If I ever fall in love with a little Filipino boy, I’d want him to look just like you.   -talking Michael Jackson specials

Response to friends who think you may be lonely without “someone” (exactly who the fuck is that suppose to be) :  Hey, I went to a lot of effen trouble to be alone!”

Euphemisms for doing the two-hump dragon with the fat vaca patas:

Harpooning the whale.

Fast walkin’ the cow.

Cattle prodding the vaca patas.

Makin’ fat burgers.

Did you keep score at your little gay-confab?

I don’t mind tying a b. up…I just don’t want the b. thinkin’ she can tie me down.                          -GdL:  I always lie about my sex life.  Don’t you?


B-Section of the Mal-Dichos


The BAD, BAD, really BAD B dichos.


Why can’t a woman be more like a man??????   -Professor Higgins in My Fair Lady

There is no situation so terrible that a woman can’t make worse.

Don’t believe anything that a B has to say about anything, my man.  That’s rule number one.

A B’s philosophy?  What’s mine is mine.  What’s yours is mine.

My philosophy:  today’s vaca is tomorrow’s chile con carne.                                                                      Gdl on a bad b day.

What’s a B’s favorite game?  Getting her way.

Life’s a B…or lack thereof and then you die.   GdL:  What exactly is this punishment for?

Why do you think they call it B……havior????

It’s all written in their Book:  How the B’s killed God the father (i.e. man), have gotten away with it and are thriving.  Thank you very much.                                                                               GdL:  Ahh???   You haven’t read that one.  They won’t let you.

Why stay at home and B… miserable when I can go to work and B… paid for B…ing miserable???

Happiness is always gender based.

Let no B write my epitaph.

Anonymous was a woman????     Gdl:-just another B who wants credit for inventing compost heaps.

Inessa Armand: Sex is as necessary and natural as drinking a glass of water.                              Lenin: …but must we all drink out of the same glass????

What do 8 million abused women have in common???   They just wouldn’t listen.                   -JJ on relations between the sexes.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?  Nothing, she’s already been told twice.    -blame JJ

Man with mouth open will wait a long time for roast duck to fall in.  –JJ on hope

Men are like dogs…Feed one, and, you’re stuck with them forever.    –DJ

That’s the way it is with the B’s:  They can’t stand it when we’re happy without them.

Another name for Men without women?  Utopia

When have you seen a married man with enough $$$???  A married man (by definition) never has enough $$$.   GdL: that’s a never ending story which I won’t get into just yet.

She is among the best of her gender…. That’s like the old Testament saying Noah was the best of his generation.

I will have nought to do with a creature that blows hot and cold at the same time.                              -thanks to Aesop

If you won’t be my number one, then number 2 on you.    –Roger Miller song title

There is but an hour a day between a good housewife and a bad one.   -English dicho                     GdL:  Who says they don’t have a sense of humor?

Parenting is too important to be left to parents.     -Is this about that commie boy, Elian?

You can’t trust anything that bleeds for three days and doesn’t die.  One of the mysteries of life.  –Thanks to JJ

If the Dodgers played like Dykes, everyone would be scared of them.   -after LA Dodgers threw out kissing lesbians



50 or 60 Names you “should” never call the Vaca Cow Clowns though they are all true (honest)


50 or 60 little things to call a B


50 or 60 things you should not say to a B unless you want big-vaca-pata troubles


Guaranteed to cause you B problems

-Haganse  al lado, vacas.

-How now, vaca-sow.

-Ya ‘stufas, vacas.

-Vaca Clowns!!!!!  Time to wake up.  Time to strap on the vaca-clown make up.

-Anonymous?  Just another well known vaca clown

-They’re not quite humanoid, are they?     GdL:  More like Vaca Patas in Mumus.

-LOUD Vaca Patas

-Big, fat, fea, vaca-cow-sow-clown

-pinche, vieja wanga

-maldita bufala

-haste al lado, nalgona…queremos ver el mundo

-ya ‘stufas vaca weys

-fat mama cow dung crawling snake

-swata desgraciada    -Gdl:  have no idea what this means.

-late for lunch

-late for supper

-hamburger chompin’, potato chip crunchin’, coca-cola swilling vaca khan-ee-bal

-mula tuerta

-cow sow ………..definition: vaca body, pig headed



-douche bag

-dildo holster

-sick cunt of misery.    -thanks to John Irving’s Son of the Circus

-clit keeper

-twat head

And what’s your point, bitch??                                                                                                            GdL:  Good whenever you’re confused by one of them.  You need to make it plural if you’re talking to the herd.

What part of NO did you not understand??

Don”t say it.  We know it: I’m not fat, I’m pregnant.                                                                       GdL:  I want that t-shirt.

Don’t demonstrate, menstruate.   GdL:  Misogynist political advice to the herd.

Don’t talk too loud…you’ll start up a Vaca-Sow-Clown stampede.                                                          Gdl:  warning at panty hose sales and in the back rooms of mcdonalds and sizzler.

Who’s gonna pay for that???  Huh? Huh?                                                                                                 Gdl:  I don’t think the vaca-sow clown understood you, my man.

Not with my dog, you don’t!!!                                                                                                                Gdl:  I’m the protector of inter species morality.  Besides it would gross my dog out.

An all purpose B rationalization, used by Janet Reno when the feds slaughtered the folks at Waco, Texas:  I did it for the children!!!!                                                                               

A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

A bitch with no teats might as well kill herself.                                                                                GdL:  I don’t think there are enough bullets in my gun.

Are they real or are they memorex???      GdL:  Glazed over male gender minds want to know.

You know me….Yo no fui.    -gracias a Pedro Infante

Go ahead, if you think you’re man enough.                                                                                        GdL:  Sure to start a fistfight in a lesbo bar

B question: Who was your esclava yesterday?                                                                        Correct male response: Where the fuck were you?????

Farmer John’s dream.  Definition of a Vaca-Sow Clown.

Cut the chatter and pass the platter.   -dinner dates with the RV’s (Rubenesque Vacas)

They’’re just being their natural selves…naturally stupid.                                                         -GdL:  On tolerance towards the B’s

(revisited 10.18.2002)










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